What's The Big Idea: Layla Martin - The Big Thing That Men (and most people) Misunderstand About Sexuality
“I want to re-define what success means. Success isn’t - we both performed in this very specific way, and had this very specific experience … but, success would look like ‘we both tried something new’.
Our guest this week is the brilliant Layla Martin
Her big idea: The big thing that men (and most people) misunderstand about sexuality
Sexuality has fascinated and scared Layla Martin from a very young age and she’s always been obsessed with it. She studied human sexuality at Stanford and then spent the next 10 years in the jungles of Asia working with Tantric masters. Layla now blends ancient Tantric wisdom with modern science to help detox people's unhealthy relationships with sex. Her Youtube channel has more than 65 million views, Cosmopolitan calls her a ‘sexpert extraordinaire’ and Women's Health Magazine has dubbed her the ‘headmistress of pleasure’.
On top of making scientific research accessible, she is a master at providing tangible practices and activities that we can integrate into our lives to become more sexually fulfilled.
Listen to the full show below:
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Key insights Shared:
What men don’t understand about their sexuality
The origins of Tantra – and it’s connection to sexuality
Sex, like anything – can be dangerous and destructive, and has one of the biggest shadow elements on the planet
Sex as a portal to an alternative state of consciousness
The idea of flow states and providing a framework
The misconceptions stemming from the cultural narrative surrounding sexuality
Why some people don’t take the time to explore their sexuality
The many beautiful elements of sex
How to open up that conversation around sex for men without making someone feel insecure
The 3 biggest myths about sexuality in partner relationships
The value of taking the time to talk about sex with your partner
The single greatest gift for your lover to say
Being in your head vs. being in your body during sex
The new definition of “success” in sex
Moments You Don’t Want to Miss:
[4:28] The true nature of sexuality
[5:20] The difference between going to the gym and the concept of health
[5:55] When did sexuality become something that you felt was important and worthy of your exploration?
[9:28] What is so specific about the act of sex/sexuality that triggers alternative states of being?
[11:30] Why some people don’t explore their sexuality
[11:45] When/how did sexuality become an area of focus for you?
[14:41] Layla’s challenges with her own sexuality
[16:25] What is Tantra?
[18:40] How the ancient origins of Tantra are relevant for the modern era
[19:05] Where does the mis-characterization of Tantra being purely about sex, come from?
[20:48] Why don’t people talk about sexuality?
[24:40] How do we expand the expression of sexuality for men?
[26:25] How men are conditioned to be performers sexually in order to be considered successful
[27:00] The rigid set of rules that feed into toxic masculinity
[28:30] The greatest gift for your lover to say
[29:03] Layla’s sports metaphors for sexuality
[30:23] Being in your head vs. being in your body during sex
[31:23] You may think that you are choosing your sexual experience, but your brains operate by modeling reality over and over again.
[33:45] How do we start to create language that explains what we want as men?
[34:15] What is the best way that we can introduce and request what we want from our partners?
[37:00] What is the real definition of success during sex?
[40:00] What are some of the common misconceptions that you see when you are helping people explore sex?
[46:00] What is the role of coaches, sex therapists, and programs to help people navigate the questions and open up the conversation surrounding sexuality?
[51:00] How can men play that role for their partners and provide a safe-space in their everyday lives?
[52:08] One of the biggest gifts that a man can provide a partner
[52:40] the importance of offering not just \physical safety, but also emotional, psychological, spiritual safety during sexual experiences
[53:26] What would you say is available to couples in terms of a transformation that they might experience when they commit to sexual exploration?
[55:15] What is a magical reality?